A little more than a year ago, I would have never thought that I would meet my soulmate, get married and move to a different country. That part has been fairy tale-like and super romantic. Meeting my blue-eyed husband, Heiko certainly redeemed all my ickyness to love after some mediocre boyfriends. If I was my former, skeptic self, I would be flinching and getting sick looking at how happy Heiko and I are together.
It changed my whole life! Nearly a year after our first date, we got married and I waited for my spouse visa to come. I knew what what was happening- I was leaving my home. What I couldn’t comprehend is how is bittersweet that was, until the last few weeks.
You never really realise what and how much something means to you till it stops being a part of your every day. I am a Bangalore girl- born and brought up to parents who adore their only (slightly spoilt) child. I was surrounded by people I love, puppies I adore and a climate that allowed just one layer of clothes.
I had the best month of my life this year, surrounded by love and festivity. That was overwhelming in a good way- to be more grateful than I could possibly express. Friends and family flying from different parts of the world to be with us on our special day. Today and so many other days before this, and many days to come, I’m sure, I’m going to be overwhelmed in a bad way- to terribly miss everything that is a few thousand miles from me. I have never spent this much time away from home. There are times I want to run to my mother and cry on her lap. That I can’t, makes me cry even more and feel like a little lost girl, waiting for someone to make an announcement and return me to her.
Heiko is a super understanding, loving husband who hates to see me like this. Of course we’re not perfect- we argue about who cooks and cleans, who does the dishes, who takes the garbage out, why the dirty clothes are just lying there, why the toilet seat is up…you get the gist, right? I think that’s normal. Besides, we’re still getting used to living with each other The reality of it all hits you when trying to run the household- real adult-ing. When did this happen? I look around and he and I are the grownups!
Yes, everything here is new and wonderful- I have a new family, new friends. The roads are clean, everything is on time (all the time), the cold is like air conditioning after being outside on a summers day, but slowly becoming painful as it continues to stay. The snow is magical, truly- like living in the pages of a novel or a scene from a Christmas flick! Nevertheless, there’s a reason spring and sunshine connotes happiness. I feel like an old woman with aches and pains. I feel angry when I see sunshine, because I know it’s deceptive- sunshine that is not enough to make a cold day warm. I used to be someone who hated sunny days- now I crave for them.
I am surrounded by a whole new language and culture. I learn everyday about different kinds of people here. While most of that is fascinating and new, there have been some untoward incidents. For example, our Greek neighbour freaked out because of the Rangoli and diyas outside our front door during Diwali and demanded it removed. “What the fuck is that!”, she said, and continued to scream at Heiko in German, not listening to our explanations of what it was, making it seem like black magic or something.
It’s a lot tougher than I thought. I miss home in ways I can’t describe. I am grateful to have Heiko by my side, so I’m not actually alone, even though I feel like it sometimes. I keep telling myself that when I have a routine- a job. I won’t feel guilty for buying a bottle of imported Mother’s cut mange pickle for 4 Euros if I had a job. I wouldn’t have to think so much about looking at the price tag for every little thing I see and convert it to Rupees and be irritated. It’s a depressing cycle of anger and self pity, this. There are days of “Why do I have to learn a new language to be able to live here!” and others with “It’s not that difficult, I already understand some of it.”
I will have lesser days like as time goes by, hopefully. I will wade through the snow that’s coming, as beautiful as it may be. I will get a job- maybe not the kind I want, but something to start with. I hope sooner than March so I don’t have to mark a 2 year anniversary for unemployment. Heiko and I will make a home together and then mark off the other things on our list- adopt a puppy, get a PS4, go on our honeymoon, annual trip to Bangalore… it’s not enough to see my first home on Skype even if Leo, Jack, Pluto and Pepper react every time they hear my voice. It’s not enough.
I arrived here just as autumn took full control. In retrospect it seems a lot like what happened to me- I left my home of 24 years to get ready for a new one, and I know I’ll survive. Hopefully come German spring, summer and the next autumn, I will have made this my new home. Things will look up, they always do…eventually.