Even before the morning I peed on a stick, I theoretically understood what was happening. Even after both the lines appeared for positive, with all the smiles, hugs, telling Amma and Mama, I still understood, only in theory, that life was going to change so much for Heiko and me.
No, not until that first ultrasound, till the doctor pointed to a tiny beating dot and said, “That’s the heart”, and measured some number in millimeters did I quite get a grip on the thing growing inside me that I am starting to love so much. There are a lot of things I don’t understand, this is definitely one of them.
On one hand, as we watch how das Baby formed its organs and is now starting to grow, I think of it as a little alien, forming and becoming bigger, using my body to nest and sucking up all my energy. On the other, as I read about what is happening week to week, I think, “Oh my god! You’re literally shitting inside me, you little rascal!”
I cannot comprehend this feeling of completely senseless love. I have felt this way about my puppies, but now I feel it more with Sophie and it has gained exponentially in strength and fierceness. I suppose it’s as close, for now, that I can get to understanding the love each of our mothers, biological and otherwise have for every one of us.
I identify with Mr. George Eliot, ” Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.” And I only hope that das Baby has the privilege of being as loved as I am by my Mamma and all the other amazing mothers I have in my life. Happy Mother’s Day to you, you beautiful carer! Here’s a happy “Hi!” from 15-week old belly.