As of today, K has got six needles worth of anti-bodies into both bum cheeks, 2 each that began from the first of August. First off, I just want to put out there to the universe how proud a Mamma I am for how he handled it. These three days over the last couple of months were extra cuddly with extra hugs and extra carrying around.
I can’t remember details of the last two, but today, K and I spent the day mostly in bed, up only for eating and a little less playing than usual. His smile on the lips and eyes, his concentration when he’s examining one of his toys, or trying to figure out which Tupperware box to go for is beyond entertaining. His attempts to push boundaries and still go for the PS3 games when I say ‘no’ is endearing, but on the inside only, because I have to keep that poker face when he’s trying to charm his way out of it. We might have also read his Dr. Seuss book an extra 4 times!
I said at first that I’m so proud of him. This is why : he still manages to be himself despite sobbing through all that pain in those heartbreaking 10 minutes. I had a gut-mother-feeling from the change of expression on his face that he knew. As soon as the doctor came into the room, it almost seemed like he remembered what happened 4 weeks ago and became vigilant. As he screamed when the first vaccine was injected and processing the pain, there was another on the other perfect bum cheek. That moment between the two big screams of crying as he draws his breath seem like the longest seconds of my life and it’s torment that I cannot put into words. As the doctor finished the rest of the paperwork, H and I scuffled silently, he dressing K for the cold and I, gathering our belongings. After some more crying and complaining, K fell asleep on the way home.
It’s agony to feel helpless in any situation but this is up there. Vaccinations are needles attached to a liquid that prevent sickness, and that’s a good thing. But how to explain that to this little person who is only starting to understand a few words?
After one of the worst breakups I had had, I remember several days when I would rest my head on my mother’s lap and just cry. She couldn’t do anything but let me. I can understand now how hard that must have been for, and all the other times that I was in pain. But what I needed then was her lap and to be allowed to cry and she gave me that, by being there. That, I am thankful for. There will probably be moments like that on the way for K, and I will be there to hold him and kiss his forehead, to tell him I love him and that I will be there for him, even if I can’t make the pain go away.